Sovereign

Some days back, I finished reading through The Exodus by Sarah-Allison Yang without taking a break in that 2 hours or so. My soul was greatly encouraged that there are people in this world who are keeping us, the Church, in their prayers and that God still reveals signs and wonders to those who walk in His light.

If God is god above all, Lord of lords, how can I begin to assume that an open door equates to the right one for me? If in my prayers, I call Him Abba, how can I not seek and knock until He says, "Yes, my child."

I have been hooked on tuning in to Godlistens.com these few days after Dr. Li-ann introduced me to it. The first song that was playing the very first time I tuned in was Stand by Michael W. Smith. I loved it so much I went to buy his album. There are only a few lines to the song, but it left me dreaming about God in my sleep. I told her about it and she told me she bought the same album.

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned,
in awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to You surrendered,
all I am is Yours

Proverbs 27

Tiring day it was today. I was kept busy, not for my own work, but everyone else's. I learnt many new things today too. It's scary how when God speaks, the revelation just wheels in more truth into your heart than what you've ever known. There have been specific people, specific areas of my life, specific things I hold on too that I have always thought to be good. Yet today, God revealed to me that the worst enemy of what's best, is what's good and He started showing me all of them one by one.

Uncle Hong Teck shared with me another wonderful news today - that Ghandi was shy too so it meant that people like us have got hope and I rejoiced with him. Then he said I, like Ghandi, will change the world someday. Aloysius, at the interview today, was asked what his x-factor was. He replied that while others live to earn the buckaroos and strive to make their way to the top, he lives to change lives. They both inspired me today.

Of late, I have accidentally discovered things about many people around me which was never communicated to me directly. It saddens me and I wonder if it was truly their fault, and not mine. If I said I really wanted to listen, why wouldn't anyone believe me?

It’s not that we’ve run out of things to say, but it’s the exact opposite instead. Having too much to say but saying nothing at all is infinitely sadder but probably more real. When people say “there’s nothing to say” or “there are no words left” they don’t actually mean they have nothing that they want to express—most of the time they mean that what’s inside and hiding is too big and too real, too entangled already to try to arrange neatly into lines of words, one before the next, each waiting to be misunderstood.

Open rebuke is better
than love carefully concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Willed to Love

According to the Lunar calendar, it is Valerie's birthday today. The family celebrated it for the second time tonight. On the 11th of February, we had a hearty sushi sashimi buffet at Raku along Greenwood Avenue. It was Jac's treat to the family and she bought Val her favourite ice-cream cake with butter sugar waffles but we were too full that night, so we left the cake until today.

What joy that smile brings.

This year, we had our family dinner and yu sheng at the Peach Garden restaurant and we had additional seats; two new faces in our annual new year family photo. My mom seemed rather excited to have new company at the dinner table.



I looked at my family today and remembered that my favourite author G.K. Chesterton once said, "They have invented a phrase, a phrase that is a black and white contradiction in two words -'free love' - as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free."

It dawned upon me that it is the nature of love to bind itself and to love, is the will to do so. It is that disposition of the mind, that will choose a path and bind itself with love, even if pain is mixed with the choice. I think I have willed myself to love all these people at home.

And here is my man! :D

Surprise, surprise!

I've just completed all that's required for work check tomorrow with Anja. I feel so accomplished because I didn't rush through sketching this collection at all, unlike the previous two. So I am rather satisfied with how all is looking.

Joycelyn and Joel came over this afternoon and we tried rearranging some of the songs. It's time to anticipate some real good stuff shining from Joycelyn's acoustic this week. Joel had the privilege of savouring a bowl of instant noodles cooked by my dear Val. Val hardly touches the stove, so Joel was very privileged.

Tonight, Eugene blessed me with an extremely yummy apple crumble. A promise from some time back when I was hospitalized. It was a pleasant surprise. And my, that slice of apple crumble made such a wonderful company as I was doing my work late into the night. For perhaps the fifth time, "thank you, gene!"

As I was clearing my drawers of bygone receipts, I found a little note I wrote to God some months back which I kept in my previous wallet (which is how it probably ended up where it did) and it humored me. God is so humorous. I love it when He disciplines me in the "laidback" kind of way. Imagine a silly me sulking away, throwing tantrums at Him and He just laughs as He picks me up and holds me in His arms.

Life is so filled with accidental surprises. Sometimes you just need to look another way and find some happiness cuddled in a corner. I found some today. :)

So special

Today I met Pris up for the last time before she returns back to Perth again. I have been thinking what I could do or buy for her to show her how much I appreciate her but nothing came to mind because she is such an independent and self-sufficient girl.

So halfway through our dinner, I asked her if there was anything she needs or wants that I could buy for her and we could go get it after our meal. She instantaneously stopped drinking her ocha and exclaimed, "Ron! You don't need to do that. Your friendship to me is itself a priceless gift!"

It was a very heartwarming time as she continued thanking me for the times when her family was on the rocks and being by her through trying times of her mom's illness, then death. I then thanked her for all the times she has been there for me, just to listen, care and offer some hugs.

She will be missed.

Films Feast

I hardly get the idle time to do this kinda thing but the movies of late are really enticing, all the not-to-be-missed kind. And now that I have actually tried watching a movie on my own, I shouldn't have problems treating myself to some beautiful things.

This shall only be caught at Cinema Europa @ GV VivoCity and nowhere else.
Only the best, for the best.

Produced by Peter Chan, starring Louis Koo.
'Nuff said.

To have a good cry-my-eyes-out time,
like what all war movies do to me.

I have yet to miss a Jack Neo film.
Not planning to skip this.

When there's excess cash, I'll come for you, Eva Mendes.

Don't Miss Out

It has been a good two day trip back to dad's (doesn't really feel like mine) home in Malaysia. Though our family makes rather frequent trips there, I don't think I can claim to say I feel a sense of belonging there besides the fact that Malaysians all drive pretty recklessly. And yes, it makes me feel at home in that sense.

In the midst of feasting and carousing on cans and cans of shandy, I still managed to find time to sleep (a whole lot of it), converse with God and read through Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot back to back. I enjoyed my car ride there and back with Jac driving, with Rich Mullin's The Jesus' Record (one of my favourites) playing. We managed to catch a picturesque sight of the sunset and seagulls resting by the waters.

So, I was telling God how rough He has made the recent days that have went by, almost very unmanageable for this fragile soul. And in that chilly night, when the sky was at its darkest, the stars shone the brightest, with bursts of colorful fireworks making everything such a wonder to grasp. Right there and then, I heard Him and He spoke right into my heart.

I have heard so many ways to approach it, heard contradicting ones, seemingly right ones, outrightly ridiculous ones, which always made me sway my stand every now and then and extremely bothered. But that night, He showed me what His ways has taught me to be and that will always be the path I will take. Broad and wide ways, many take. But the small and narrow way, by His hand will I be led.

Dance

"Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving,
the most beautiful of the arts,
because it is no mere translation
or abstraction from life;
it is life itself."

I need to dance again. It always makes me happy, it always makes me happy.

It always does.


When we were in college, William saw me one afternoon dancing in the hall and did this sketch for me. I need to shake my universe up again. Take a big shift, journey another way or something. Just change it.

While You Were Away

Dear

Today was a difficult day to get by. I was by my grandma's sewing machine the entire previous night. When dawn came, I crawled into bed and tried to catch a wink or two, but the rising sun was warming up my bed so I packed my bag for school instead. I got changed, look at my breakfast and decided not to go for it. And I took an earlier bus to school.

I had my design project consultation with Ms Anja Landgraf for close to an hour, because only three of us turned up for class today. She wondered where I found time to do so much more than the rest when we just had our course presentation the day before. I told her I hadnt slept much for many days and she bought me lunch.

There's a song I used to sing with you that goes, "When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go downtown. When you got worries, all the noise and the hurry seems to help, I know, downtown". I began humming it again today while I made my way downtown.

I roamed around for a short while before heading home when it got boring. I got to my bed and remembered you didn't like your bed because it wasn't long enough for you, since you're so tall. I slept and woke up to a rejected dinner and rushed out for another exhausting night then came home again to search for work to be completed.

I told you so much because I don't exactly understand everything that's within me - the feelings and all. But I still wanted to let you know how I feel. And I know with this, you'll know, even if we haven't talked for ages. And it's as if you have never walked away.

It's going to be the New Year this weekend. I hope you'll be back, because I have missed you.


Love,
Veronica

Higher than my ways

Today, I felt that I no longer can keep that string of pretty grades I got for Semester 1, like I no longer can keep it up, as what all the lecturers have been telling me through all the thumbs up. 2007 hasn't been looking up, but uncle Hong Teck texted me a few fine mornings back, "... stuff the bad, hold the good and be His! ok?" and I began to ponder and learn all over again what it really means to be His.

And today, when I felt like I can no longer always be better than myself, I heard these lines, "In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone."

To be His is to be in His arms, counting on His ways, riding on His wings, with eyes closed. We walk by Faith, not by sight. I could fly that way too.

Earnestly, Yours. :)

ooxx

Thank You, Jesus,
For the good day that I had.
I went to church and enjoyed myself.
I also hope that Your day was fine.

Amen.

Indescribable

3:40AM. Sketches half-done. Brains got shot. I've been listening to Aria from Goldberg Variations on repeat for 4 nights in a row. There's a kind of magic in classical masterpieces.

Routine is therapeutic. Going to school gives some sort of order to my life that is almost completely free. I am free, in one of the most absolute senses right now. I have very few (almost none really) responsibilities and I am not bonded by anything in the world by contract except my conscience in God.

My daily routine of sketching, drafting, packing and practicing, is therapeutic. Things like that. In college, I particularly loved swinging idle legs on secluded benches with endearing Shoe whining by my side. We skipped as many classes as we could, sat everywhere we could, did everything we wanted to and gave each other strength as much as we could.

She was the only friend in the audience at empty rooms listening to me rehearse my PESA competition speech over and over again and I was the only friend in the audience snapping shots of her on her bass and smiling away, being very proud of her when she performed for the first time last Saturday.

Shoe teaches me how to get by strong, how to always manage, somehow.

My weaknesses for Your strength

This is the first photo I have every taken of my new flashy red bicycle. It has already accompanied me for many lone adventures in the cheery sunny mornings or cool breezy nights. Tonight there was BlueBike to accompany RedBicycle out for a long night cycle and Roti Bomb at the Thomson crispy prata house. It was a great relaxing night out.

It's as if the wind carries all my worries away to the world, as if I'm too busy greeting every flower by the pathways for anything else in the world. As I was on my way to meeting BlueBike, I thought of how an old friend once chided me for always wanting to escape, always wanting to take the easy way out instead of braving the storms. And then I remembered the cause. And then I remembered my promises to You. And I remembered.


How wide is Your love
That You would stretch Your arms
And go around the world
And why for me would a Savior's cry be heard

I don't know why You went where I was meant to go
I don't know why You love me so

Those were my nails, that was my crown
That pierced Your hands and Your brow
Those were my thorns, those were my scorns
Those were my tears that fell down

And just as You said it would be
You did it all for me
After You counted the cost
You took my shame, my blame
On my cross

How deep is Your grace
That you could see my need
And chose to take my place
And then for me, these words I'd hear You say

And I am not going to escape anymore.

Lamentations 1

Sometimes you're just saying the words. If this is a place called home, I'd rather be a wandering vagrant. Very soon, it will all be too late.

Outside, the sword bereaves.
Inside, there is only death.

❤

Love actually, is all around. ❤

There is no such thing as free love; love is the most costly expression in the world.
But the wonderful thing is that it has already been paid for.

I may be a pauper in your eyes, but a princess in His.

What's there left here for me to stay when there is no more room for miracles, maybe no room to accomodate me. Systems and structure and all those instructions that cause me no peace, please die.

In all that I do, I only want to do unto You. Why does it seem like it's such a hard thing to do?

If I choose to go, maybe I wouldn't even need to pack. No, I don't have to.

I only need to think about after-school programmes tomorrow with Shar, Desmond, Ruth, Suzu, Hannah, Josiah and Aimei. And how I can learn something more than just "oh, do you know it takes 100 cocoons to make a tie and 650 to make a blouse?!" from Ina's lecture. I repeated this to everyone so many times I have lost count.



Love is in...
❤ shopping for ties (we were responsible for 300 cocoons) with a cute brother who has been blessed with an extremely good job
❤ celebrating Joyce's birthday at her house when she's down with awful viral infection
❤ cooking noodles for my elder sister
❤ dad and mom going for midnight cycling together
❤ a shared bus ride home
❤ Esha's lost but found again love
❤ Josiah's "let's not go sizzler, Veron doesn't like to eat beef."
❤ John Galliano's latest Haute Couture
❤ the banner that waves to the world, "Love is not in the air, it is on the Cross."

Let's try waking up happy tomorrow, world.

Undeserving Bottle

Fill the space, feel the space. Open. Pour. Close. Shake. Open. Last straw. Even the bottle neck has a brim. This cruel world, these cruel people. I'm letting go.

Emptied.

All Good Things (Come To An End)

One day, someone came along and shook my universe like a snow globe, turning it upside down and round and round again, so things started to look slightly peculiar. It didn't take long before I found my footing again and straightened my skirt, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I wore my favourite blue dress to school on Monday to begin the week with and it was such immense joy dancing around! It was the perfect dress for the perfect day with the perfect weather until someone crazy came along and wanted to fluff my dress up. My friends started tickling me at my sides and we all broke out in hysteric laughter, crashing into each other.

Wednesday I got to sit at the roof and enjoy the view from the harbor late at night. I mulled over the idea of community and concluded that at the end of the day, there wouldn't be anyone holding my hands up for me, when I've got my own two feet to walk on.

I have given up on waiting for overdue promises. The words that have been mistakenly weighted with hopes spirals down to the absence of it as time dwindles, as memories crumble. The unbearable being of lightness.

Everyday I look at the outstreched arms of the blue skies and think of Heaven. I got to meet Dr. Li-Ann a few days ago and tried talking her into getting another photo taken for her NMP publicity, which failed miserably like all the time. That aside, she gave me two discs on her sermon titled "Fulfilling Our Destiny" and it opened the infinite windows to imagining what lies ahead for me. I think this is called Hope.

The nicest shot from tonight.